First off, I say this on record, healing is linear. Some days may be satisfying, and other days may turn to shit but, keep in mind that it is better to accept it and work through those days instead of ignoring them and move with a “life goes on” attitude.
One thing I enjoy doing with my readers (YOU) is blending bits of my personal life with the music of days past or present. When reflecting on my experiences as a young teen or an adult, they tend to align with a song or album which, is fun and liberating to share. If you have not caught on by now, keep reading.
We have all been through devastating breakups. Shit hurts right. Ending things with the person you thought you were going to spend forever with is a painful pill to swallow. Late last year, December to be exact, a relationship had ended. However, your girl was going through it. Still am but much better than before. I created playlists (ref. Mercury Retrograde on Apple Music), contemplated cutting my hair, dying my hair, pierced my nose, and tried to create a new identity to shed the person I was while with him. None of that shit worked. I couldn’t 'Cranes In The Sky' my pain away. This time around Raven, had to face it and deal with it day by day. It sucked.
I thought maybe if I fill my life up with meaningless tasks, I won’t have to deal with my thoughts and feelings towards this breakup and, then I’ll be over it. NOPE! I did not want to do the inner work. It was too much. Eventually, over time, I got through by leaning on God more, being around people that made me happy, becoming more involved with the things that served me, my purpose and, my happiness. But there was one thing missing, a soundtrack.
We can all agree that “Cranes in The Sky” or even “A Seat At The Table” by Solange was the piece of art that forced us to look deeper into ourselves and how we heal. It was like that for me as a young woman finishing her last semester of college trying to figure out what was next. "A Seat At The Table" was needed for the transitions of young black men and women figuring life out.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2020. I am in my home, sitting in my living room playing 702 “Get It Together” on repeat, trying to get myself together. That was me for the first few months of 2020 until we quarantined. I explored different facets of music to describe my many moods and feelings towards the breakup. I discovered artists such as Mac Demarco, Dayglow, MorMor, Feng Suave, and more. However, listening to these somber artists singing about unrequited love helped for the moment. As my healing started to progress, I was unable to find any empowering music that helped me get my oomph back or unshackle that inner bad bitch that had suppressed from a year of pent-up doubt and crippling self-esteem.
We have Meg Thee Stallion, City Girls, Future and Sawaeetie, to help us express our inner bad bitch but, those artists weren’t cutting it for me. I enjoyed their music wholeheartedly but, the connection wasn't there. Until one sunny Sunday morning on my way to church, I heard this high-pitch artist that was talking her shit. “D**** up when I stepped into the party" was the first line I heard on the radio on my way to praise the Lord and to be honest, I could not get that line out of my head. I had to look up the lyrics during the word to find out who rapped those confident lyrics? The lyrics came from Flo Milli from Alabama, as she raps so eloquently on the clean version of “In The Party.” What I didn't know from listening to Flo Milli was that she knocked on the door and slightly woke up that baddie that has been inside me. After hearing “In The Party”, I kept an eye out on what else was to come from Flo Milli in the future. In the meantime, I continued to heal and grow my healthy heart back one day at a time (still growing).
I did not run to Apple Music as soon as Flo Milli dropped “Ho, why is you here?” but I was excited to hear what her debut album was going to bring to the rap table. My ritual when it comes to listening to new music happens by doing two things; washing my hair or lying across my bed with my doors shut after a very strenuous day of work. Today just happened to be a wash day.
I think Flo Milli should change her name to “No Skip Milli” because this project was LIKE THAT! From production to her flow style, she came for her place in the rap industry. I was mouthing whatever alongside her songs in the shower, jamming my little heart out. Aside from that, I felt so empowered listening to this album. I hadn't felt that way about a rap album in a while.
As I said before, I needed a soundtrack for my healing. The somber songs were good for the early moments of healing through heartbreak but, at this very moment in my life, I feel unstoppable. Rarely do I give myself credit for the things I accomplish because that is what we are supposed to do. It’s our responsibility, and praise is not always needed. Nevertheless, I’m in a different headspace and, I realized that type of thinking will keep you still and continually dimming your light around others. Well, honey, I say this most humbly, you don’t have time to dim your light for others that are unable to pay your electricity bill. “Ho, why is you here” might not be the most endearing title to apply to heal but, as I said at the very beginning of this piece, healing is not linear.
Listening to Flo Milli empowered me to unleash the inner baddie that was suppressed inside of me and not be ashamed about it. While I was in my bathroom attempting to deep conditioning my hair, I couldn’t stop bopping around with a genuine smile on my face. Although I don’t have a bag to blow or the privilege to buy straight off the rack and not in clearance, I still connected to the confidence Flo Milli was exuding through her music. For now on, I will wear my hair down to my ass, will save a man's number as ‘we gon’ see’, and will always put my best foot forward in everything I do and want. While embracing this new confidence, I will always encourage, uplift, and cheer on my peers in every way, shape, or form because there is room for all of us out here.
I hope Flo Milli realizes that she just unleashed a boost of exuberance for the many black men and women who are still healing from trauma, whether big or small. She gave us a moment to celebrate as we heal during times of uncertainty. I am still a work of progress and have a long way to go, but I will say a breakthrough did occur while deep conditioning my roots and gyrating to “Ho, why is you here?”.
Selah,
Rae
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