One thing is for sure
In everything I write, I remain candid. I feel like being transparent connects more to a person, and brings on a mild attraction if you happen to know them. Intrigue, if you can yell out their government name.
I know this may trigger some but I want to share with you how communication, connection, and music can change your life.
Loss can be a mirrored perspective.
I’m literally laying here thinking of ways to cope from the passing of my dear cousin. I had to figure out a new way of healing now that I’m older. Should I choose to sulk and dive into depression? Or, should I deal with it head on? Yes? No? I had to understand that this time is different. The day had been so overwhelming. Full of tears and misunderstanding. He was so young.
I decided to surround myself with loved ones but then night fell.
I was engulfed by my thoughts, that I was not ready to deal with yet.
My mind kept racing like formula one cars, driving around and around and around.
The only thing I could do that wouldn’t cause disruption but peace was to, grab some headphones and hope that my music choices are full of healing and not suppression.
I don’t know what made me initially choose “Don’t Wish Me Well” by Solange based on the surface of the lyrics. But then I dug a little deeper into the song as well as my grieving. What was the most heartfelt feeling from this song was nothing short from listening to gospel music. This was my time and space to grow from what I was dealing with. I received full permission from my thoughts, feelings and the ones who were comforting me that I can grieve but also grow from the ordeal. Something I have never done before. Don’t Wish Me Well gave me my confirmation that right now, it’s okay to go all the way, others will understand and will also be by your side during that journey if you give them the option and space.
I will ask you a question. What song have you listened to lately that was eloquently crafted to make you feel? Is that feeling memorable? Can you replicate that exact feeling every time you listen to it?
I played “Hope” by Blood Orange 6 times straight. My cousin and I had a full-length conversation about the whole “Negro Swan” project but I didn’t realize that until after the fact. How well it was written and that it came out in the fall. The best time for melodic, nu-wave, r&b. Outside of lyrics, instrumental arrangements can make you cry. I’ve never had a piano pull me through a place of void or limbo. I didn’t know that the balance between a soulful songstress and an NY Bred, Hop-Hop mogul could make me lay there and ponder. I think the songs I was listening to was organizing my thoughts instead of allowing them to be chaotic or irrational. I was unsure for a moment if listening to music was a distraction from facing the facts or if this was a new way of healing in addition to prayer, meditation, and conversation. I could only HOPE that this is how it’s supposed to go.
My biggest fear from my loss was reverting back to old ways. Entertaining old coping mechanisms that did more harm than good. I was nervous but as the night continued on, I was gaining quick reassurance. God was pulling me through, I could feel it in a very strange way. Earlier that day, My mother had mentioned to me to listen to praise and worship for soothing purposes. I’m going, to be honest, the first song I listened to was “Spaceships” by Kanye. At 7:45am I really wanted to hop on a spaceship and remove myself from the turmoil that had suddenly stopped my tracks.
God was pulling me through by making the Shekinah Glory song “Fall on Me”. As I had previously mentioned, I felt like God was not allowing me to fall back to old habits but this time to fall on him. A few years ago, when my Uncle passed, my initial way of healing was through Christ, initially. But as I had gone through it away from everyone, I, sure enough, was not falling on him wholeheartedly. But this time around was different. I’m going to leave it at that. Profound.
I say that loss can be a mirrored perspective because it brings forth anything old or new. My cousin passing away brought forth sadness, darkness, fear, and limbo in my life. But it also presented something bigger which I am still unsure of. My days have gotten a little bit better, with the help of my true loved ones. All I can think about are the good times I’ve shared with my cousin Zo. I felt the need to write about this because he always, always called me after I wrote about music or just to talk. His spirit was and still is contagious, I learned that from my friends who contacted me, shocked that he passed away. That was my homie, little brother and favorite cousin. I’m certain that my song selections have impressed him so far.
This one is for you Zo.
Spread Love, all ways, always.
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